The Difference a Year Makes

Trigger warning: Contains discussing of body hatred and past dieting. Proceed with caution.

I've spent a lot of time in the last few weeks pondering just how far I've come in a year. It is slightly difficult to believe right now that this time last year I was in hate middle of one of the worst periods of self hatred in my life. I hated everything about myself. I was researching diet and exercise tactics to find the best methods of losing weight. I was researching weight loss surgery and reading blogs by survivors about how the horrible side effects were worth it. I was seriously considering the mutilation of my digestive tract just to drop a few dress sizes.

My self esteem was shot, my self image was about as negative as it could get. I have no doubts now that I was depressed. I remember one evening last December/January that I spent sobbing my eyes out because I felt I was so disgusting. And then on the First of February last year I started what was the first official diet of my life. It was a thoroughly miserable period of my life.

And was all that misery worth it? Was the diet worth the deprivation and the torment and the near constant hunger? Was it worth the guilt that came from slipping up? Was it worth the increased hatred of myself because I couldn't use a skipping rope for five measly minutes a day? I have to say that it's a resounding no.

There was never much to show for the six weeks or so I was actively dieting. If I lost weight at all it was minimal; I think I more experienced a rearrangement of where my fat lived. To be honest I never expected that much. I never bought into the Fantasy of Being Thin (FoBT). Actually being thin is a goal that is so far out of my reach as to be nigh on impossible. Even the aim of my diet wasn't to be "thin", merely to be "less fat". And I guess that fueled the self hatred; that I was so far out of the "normal" (BMI) range that I had to settle for just being less fat.

Well you know what screw that. Last January was one of the most miserable periods of my life, which is saying something considering the effort other people have put into making my life miserable in the past.

I am so grateful to Sam for introducing me to Big Fat Deal. It was the starting point for my journey into Fat Acceptance. And not just into Fat Acceptance, but in to Everything Acceptance. It has lead me to the fight for equality, the fight against bigotry in all it's forms. It literally changed my life.

This year, this January, I am writing from a very different perspective. In some ways I am a very different person to the one who started this blog a year ago. Instead of hating myself for being fat, I am in the process of learning to love the body I inhabit, and the fantastic things it is capable of. I subscribe to the radical notion that a persons body is their own to do with what they please, including fat people, including me. To borrow a phrase from Dances With Fat; I am the boss of my own underpants. I believe that no one has the right to comment on another persons body, or bully them into changing it. I believe that each and every person has the right to live how they chose, and deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

I also believe in the principles of Health At Every Size (HAES) and have chosen these as a guiding principle for my life. But I also believe that Health is not a moral imperative. If someone chooses not to be healthy then that is their decision; they are the boss of their own underpants. I believe that the constant pressure we all face to strive for health is problematic and possibly misplaced. The pressure to strive for health is attempting to force all human beings into a narrow band of acceptability and ignoring the natural diversity that exists in nature.

Given the massive changes I have undergone in my beliefs, my body image and my self esteem this year, something struck me as slightly odd. In some respects I am trying to make some changes to my life that are similar to the changes I tried to make when dieting. I'm increasing the amount of exercise I do and making changes to my diet in order to make it healthier.

The big difference is that this time I'm doing it from a position of self love and respect. I'm doing more exercise because I know moving my body is good for me; I want to treat my body as well as possible and this include exercise. I'm trying to find ways of moving my body that are fun and pleasurable, not only because this means I'm more likely to do it, but because having fun and enjoying myself helps me love myself and my body more. I'm doing more exercise because it makes me feel good, because I can see and feel the difference in myself.

My new attitude towards myself is even more evident in the changes I'm making to the food I eat. Instead of taking things out of my diet, I'm adding things in. Instead of restricting, I'm increasing. Adding new things in naturally reduces the amount of some other things I eat but reduction is not the ultimate goal. I'm trying new things and eating food I enjoy. And it feels a hundred times better than restricting my food intake through a calorie controlled diet.

I honestly believe that a person cannot make positive lasting changes to their life from a position of self hate. I believe that positive change can only come from a position of self love. Today I am taking steps to enact positive changes; I’m not trying to change my body, I’m trying to change what it can do. And you know what? I am much happier for it.

Look, a blog post!

So far in 2011 I’m not really keeping up with my plan to blog at least once a fortnight, but I’m blaming that on exams.

There have been lots o things I’ve wanted to talk about but none of them have been worth a blog post in their own right. Also I thin of these things primarily as I’m falling asleep or just waking up, so by the time I get to a computer I’ve completely forgotten what I wanted to say. Today, however, I have three things I want to talk about.

The first things I want to talk about is this article from Scientific American asking it’s to be possible to be both obese and healthy. The article isn’t bad, considering its from a fairly mainstream science magazine. It put the out the message that a lot of people in the Fatosphere already knew; that it is possible to be fat and healthy. For me the article falls down a lot in what it doesn’t say. The article says the following;

“obese individuals are less likely to survive a trauma as compared to normal weight individuals despite similar injuries, due to longer transport times due to their higher body weight, and difficulty assessing and treating the injuries. Further, they are less likely to see their physicians regularly, which may be in part why cancer is generally diagnosed in obese individuals at later stages.”

but doesn’t even attempt to examine WHY these things are the case. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence in the Fatosphere that indicates that some of these problems are at least partially caused by the discrimination fat people face from the medical profession. That’s why Ragen Chastain of danceswithfat wrote this ebook on coping with visits to the doctor. There are a few studies that have been done on this as well.

Even though the article starts well it ends quite badly, in my opinion. Even though it is possible to be obese and metabolically healthy the author of this article still thinks fat people should lose weight. Still, I think that we need more articles like this in mainstream science publications. Maybe then we’ll start to get our message across to the general population; that fat people are people too.

Speaking of fat people being people; fat women are still women. And I would say the vast majority of us need to wear bras on a regularly, if not daily, basis. Marriane Kirby over at therotund ranted about the lack of plus size bras recently. My particular rant is about the lack of supportive sports bras for women in larger sizes.

A lot of retailers I’ve looked at very rarely cater to the larger sizes, in either cup size or band size. And those that do don’t cater to my particular needs. See I have a barrel chest. My ribcage is just built that way. So I require bras with a band size 40 or higher. But the retailers seems to have decided, in their infinite wisdom, that if you’re a 40 band size, you must have a cup size of at least an F cup. Well I’m here to confirm with the existence of women who have large chests but smaller breasts.

It’s extremely frustrating that I can’t find proper sportswear in my size. Not only is this problematic for my goal of being more active this year, but I could seriously injure myself if I do vigorous exercise without proper support. Yes I am fat, no I’m not looking to change that, but I would still like sportswear that is suitable for me to do exercise in. My money spends just as well as a thin person’s money does. My breasts are just as worthy of protection as a thin persons.

To end on a slightly lighter note; my hula hoop arrived today. I’d been toying with the idea of taking up hooping for some while, but had been hesitant because I’m already learning poi, staff, devil stick, diabolo and ball juggling. But hooping well and truly fits into my goal o being more active, do I went for it. My hoop is big and beautiful (like me) but boy is it hard work. Actually keeping the hoop going is much harder than I anticipated. Guess I should have spent my childhood learning to hoop instead of beating up boys. But anyway, I intend to hoop at least once a week, which is going to be great cardio.

And even though I find it difficult, hooping is fun, which in the end is what matters to me.

New Years ReVolution and Goals for 2011

Generally speaking I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. People don’t stick to them very well, and I’m worse than average at keeping my resolutions. I decided that this year I would buck the trend slightly. Only instead of a resolution that will barely make it to February, I want t set myself some goals for this year. I have a range of things I want to achieve, from the small things to the fairly big things. I want to set goals that I know I can achieve; things that I have control over and I don’t have to rely on other people for.

In addition to the goals I want to set for the year, I came cross the New Year’s ReVolution campaign. The papers today have been full of statistics saying that weight loss is the top resolution for the New Year, and the women’s mags are stuffed full of adverts for weight loss products. Instead I am joining the campaign to put out body positive messages and let people know there is an alternative to hating your body.

My goals for this year are all well within the remit for HAES and body positivity. This time last year I hadn’t heard of HAES and was definitely not in a body positive mindset. I’m looking forward to what 2011 holds for me as I continue on this journey of self love.

So without further ado, here are my goals for 2011;

Learn to juggling three ball cascade

Learn at least three new tricks for each of poi, staff, devil stick and diabolo.

Be more active in everything I do; physically, in my activism, in the things I enjoy.

            I will achieve this by;

                        - Continuing to practice juggling once a week.

                        - Going for a walk once a week, lasting at least half an hour.

- Finding a way of moving my body that I enjoy and can do once or twice a week.

- Blogging at least once every fortnight.

- Standing up for my fat accepting, body positive, HAES beliefs whenever I have the chance.

- Talking about body positivity in all my internet places. And with my friends offline too.

- Continuing to read up on awesome recipes, then making them.

- Working hard at my final semester at uni.

Drink more tea.

Read more books for pleasure rather than work.

- I want to have read the size positive books I currently have by the end of February.

- Read three more size positive books by the end of the year.

- Read four of the fiction books I have sitting on my shelf.

Continue to add things into my diet.

                        - By having a green smoothie once a week (at least).

- Introduce more veggies into my dieting by eating meatless meals once a week.

- Add more wholegrains and none wheat carbs into my diet. Starting with using up the pearl barley and millet seeds I already have.

- Baking biscuits and making my own sweets more often.

Looking after myself better, especially my feet. I have a whole plan for this.

Trying new things whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Forgive myself if I miss any of these goals. This might actually by the most important goal.

Participate in the 2011 New Year ReVolution by doing all of the above.

With a bit of luck, some hard work and a lot of fun, this time next year I should be posting about how I’m met and exceeded these goals. I hope you will all join me for the ride.

Staying in an FA mindset

I was tempted to apologise for not updating this blog in a long while, but it's my blog and at the end of the day, my decision if I post regularly or not. I've not had the energy or inclination for blogging of late, especially blogging of a Fat Acceptance nature. Any energy I've had leftover from work and other things has largely gone into just staying in a Fat Accepting frame of mind.

When term started again in September, I started a module on nutrition. I'd picked it because I find nutrition interesting, it's an extremely important subject and handy knowledge to be armed with as a fat person. While the subject is no less interesting than I'd hoped, the lectures themselves seem to be stealing all my Sanity Watchers Points.

The lecture course focusses quite heavily on the subject obesity, not just in lectures dedicated to the study or nutrition and obesity, but the ZOMGBESITY! Epidemic gets referenced in almost all other lectures. Wherever there is even the tiniest chance of it being relevant. The information we're given is overwhelmingly biased in favour of the party line; i.e. that if you're fat it's your fault for eating junk and being lazy and you ave to fix it with a diet aka eating less and exercise more. The role of genetics is being downplayed, socio-economic factors are completely ignored. The fact that diets don't work is also never mentioned, the side effects of Alli seriously downplayed and we're never once asked to critically think about why so many of the weight loss drugs have had to be pulled from the market.

Add in to that a thin white male lecturer who practically sweats privilege making jokes about eating 50 Mars Bars a day and I become so angry that I feel sick. And it doesn't help that 250 people laughed at is stupid jokes, because haha, aren't fat people stupid for eating Mars Bars all day and aren't we thin people superior to them in every way?

And our Science Library has literally no books that look at obesity science from even a remotely FA/HAES viewpoint. Our Arts library has plenty, looking at fat from a historical/political/sociological/feminist point of view. But the science library does not, and neither does the medical library. Our campus libraries don’t have even a single copy of Paul Campos’ Obesity Myth.

Staying in a body positive frame of mind has been one hell of a challenge. And the extra frustration is that in exams we’re supposed to mention things from extra reading. Well being in the fatosphere and reading all these Fat positive HAES books is definitely extra reading, but I have to be careful what I put in my exam because it disagrees with everything they’ve said in the lectures. And I have no doubt that there will be a question on obesity because it took up about 20% of the lecture time we have. Which, notably is way more than we’ve spent on undernutrition and eating disorders like anorexia.

The only real light in this particular tunnel comes from a recently published report on the fact that diets don’t work. This paper has been published in time for me to use it in my exam as extra reading, and provides a potential gateway to talking about Health at Every Size. Talking about the failure of diets and offering HAES as an alternative is part of my way of fighting my corner. I’ve felt pretty powerless on this subject over the term, but the exam might just offer the opportunity I need to express my opinions in a way that is supportable by science.

I hope I am brave enough to take the opportunity if it arises. It’s going to be a difficult task to strike a balance between trying to get a good grade and being true to myself. But I hope I can do it.

Thin People Are...

The counterpart to yesterday's post. Because sometimes it's easy to forget that we're fighting for ALL bodies to be considered acceptable. We're fighting for all bodies to be a person's private property, and beyond uninvited public commentary. We're fighting for EVERYONE to have the body autonomy the rightful deserve.

I could keep doing these until I run out of body type. Substitute any words you like in here, we ALL deserve to be treated like people.

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Thin People are…

Thin people are blonde. Thin people are brunettes. Thin people are redheads. Thin people have hair 

colours that are bright and come out of bottles.

Thin people have blue eyes. Thin people have brown eyes. Thin people have green eyes. Thin people have eyes of different colours.

Thin people are tall. Thin people are short. Thin people come in heights somewhere and everywhere in between.

Thin people are doctors. Thin people are nurses. Thin people are teachers. Thin people are builders. 

Thin people are factory workers. Thin people are binmen and women. Thin people are police officers. 

Thin people are sex workers.

Thin people are academic. Thin people are practical. Thin people get good grades at school. Thin people get bad grades at school.

Thin people are healthy. Thin people are unhealthy. Thin people are anywhere in between, because health is a spectrum not a black and white issue.

Thin people get married. Thin people have kids. Thin people are in relationships, with men and women and people somewhere in between. Thin people are single and unhappy. Thin people are single and quite happy. Thin people are in relationships and don’t want marriage or kids. Thin people are in relationships and struggle to have children.

Thin people are in relationships and are happy. Thin people are in relationships and are unhappy. Thin people are in relationships with other thin people. Thin people are in relationships with people who are not thin people. Thin people are in relationships of all kinds, both romantic and non-romantic.

Thin people are heterosexual. Thin people are homosexual. Thin people are attracted to both men and women. Thin people are attracted to more than one person at a time. Thin people aren’t attracted to people sexually at all.

Thin people read books. Thin people write stories. Thin people paint and draw pictures. Thin people dance. Thin people play football. Thin people dance. Thin people play video games. Thin people play D&D. Thin people play sports. Thin people swim. Thin people go skydiving.

Thin people are scared of heights. Thin people are afraid of spiders. Thin people are afraid of clowns. 

Thin people are fearless.

Thin people eat chocolate. Thin people eat lasagne. Thin people eat salad. Thin people eat what they 

damned well please.

Thin people are vegetarians. Thin people are vegan. Thin people are committed carnivores. Thin people eat both vegetables and animal products.

Thin people are Christian. Thin people are Muslim. Thin people are Jewish. Thin people are pagan. Thin people are agnostic. Fatties are atheist. Fatties fall under any number of spiritual and religious umbrellas.

Thin people drive cars. Thin people take the bus. Thin people cycle. Thin people use segways. Thin people ride motorcycles.

Thin people go out on the town. Thin people go to bed early.

Thin people dress in wild and outrageous outfits. Thin people dress for comfort. Thin people dress modestly. Thin people wear dresses. Thin people wear trousers. Thin people wear t shirts with band logos on. Thin people wear jeans, including skinny jeans.

Thin people are a whole load of other things too.

Thin people can be whatever they want to be.

Thin people can do whatever they want to do.

Thin people come in all shapes and sizes.

Thin people are people too, and I think it’s time everybody started treating us that way.

Fatties Are...

I apologise for neglecting this blog slightly. In the last few weeks I've discovered tumblr, which is fun, fast and addictive. It's kind of like blogging had a secret love child with twitter. Also I was hovering at 42 posts on this blog, which everyone even slightly geeky knows is the best number ever.

Anyway, here is a post I wrote a few weeks ago.

_____

Fatties are…

Fatties are blonde. Ftties are brunettes. Fatties are redheads. Fatties have hair colours that are bright and come out of bottles.

Fatties have blue eyes. Fatties have brown eyes. Fatties have green eyes. Fatties have eyes of different colours.

Fatties are tall. Fatties are short. Fatties come in heights somewhere and everywhere in between.

Fatties are doctors. Fatties are nurses. Fatties are teachers. Fatties are builders. Fatties are factory workers. 

Fatties are binmen and women. Fatties are police officers. Fatties are sex workers.

Fatties are academic. Fatties are practical. Fatties get good grades at school. Fatties get bad grades at school.

Fatties are healthy. Fatties are unhealthy. Fatties are anywhere in between, because health is a spectrum not 

a black and white issue.

Fatties get married. Fatties have kids. Fatties are in relationships, with men and women and people somewhere in between. Fatties are single and unhappy. Fatties are single and quite happy. Fatties are in relationships and don’t want marriage or kids. Fatties are in relationships and struggle to have children.

Fatties are in relationships and are happy. Fatties are in relationships and are unhappy. Fatties are in relationships with other fatties. Fatties are in relationships with people who are not fatties. Fatties are in relationships of all kinds, both romantic and non-romantic.

Fatties are heterosexual. Fatties are homosexual. Fatties are attracted to both men and women. Fatties are attracted to more than one person at a time. Fatties aren’t attracted to people sexually at all.

Fatties read books. Fatties write stories. Fatties paint and draw pictures. Fatties dance. Fatties play football. Fatties dance. Fatties play video games. Fatties play D&D. Fatties play sports. Fatties swim. Fatties go skydiving.

Fatties are scared of heights. Fatties are afraid of spiders. Fatties are afraid of clowns. Fatties are fearless.

Fatties eat chocolate. Fatties eat lasagne. Fatties eat salad. Fatties eat what they damned well please.

Fatties are vegetarians. Fatties are vegan. Fatties are committed carnivores. Fatties eat both vegetables and animal products.

Fatties are Christian. Fatties are Muslim. Fatties are Jewish. Fatties are pagan. Fatties are agnostic. Fatties are atheist. Fatties fall under any number of spiritual and religious umbrellas.

Fatties drive cars. Fatties take the bus. Fatties cycle. Fatties use segways. Fatties ride motorcycles.

Fatties go out on the town. Fatties go to bed early.

Fatties dress in wild and outrageous outfits. Fatties dress for comfort. Fatties dress modestly. Fatties wear dresses. Fatties wear trousers. Fatties wear t shirts with band logos on. Fatties wear jeans, including skinny jeans.

Fatties are a whole load of other things too.

Fatties can be whatever they want to be.

Fatties can do whatever they want to do.

Fatties come in all shapes and sizes.

Fatties are people too, and I think it’s time everybody started treating us that way.

(Sorry for the focus on relationships in the early section. In my experience, trying to get into a relationship is one of the more common reasons for losing weight, and a major cause of families trying to get fate people to lose weight. It's not necessarily that I believe romantic relationships are more important than the other things mentioned.)

Poi: My New Obsession

Today I’d like to talk to you for a while about my newest hobby obsession. Those of you who follow me on twitter will be more than aware that I’ve been talking about poi quite a lot recently. Not the food, but something quite different.

Poi, according to the resources I’ve been using, is the Maori word for ball. The art certainly comes to use from the Maori tradition, where poi is the object itself, the accompanying dance or the music. Modern poi often involves swinging about fire or glowsticks rather than the traditional Maori style fluffy poi.

I got into poi in a rather roundabout manner. A friend of a friend put some pictures on Facebook of him doing poi, and my brain sort of went “I must know how to do that”. After watching a large number of youtube videos, and reading lots and lots of articles on how to make and practice poi, I made my own pair of sock poi. I’ve been through several designs and am finally happy with my homemade ones. Though I have purchased myself a set of these, and am eagerly awaiting delivery.

Poi is a performance art, a flow art, a skill toy and a dance. It has been combined with various martial arts and other performance arts to create a number of different styles. Poi can help improve co-ordination, balance and overall physical ability. For me, it is primarily a pleasurable way to move my body.

I know that not everyone in the fatosphere subscribes to the Health at Every Size principals (and there’s no reason why they should). But for me, the most important part of HAES is the idea that we should be moving out bodies in pleasurable ways. Not exercising in ways that we find pleasurable, just moving our bodies in pleasurable ways.

Now, I like this for a number of reasons. One, it helps dispel the myth that calorie burning exercise (i.e. good exercise) is only done during dedicated sessions using specialised equipment or doing a recognised sport. Vacuuming the house is exercise. Walking to work is exercise. Cooking dinner is exercise. Lugging heavy things around because you’re moving house (or helping move house) is exercise. Sex is exercise. Any number of things are exercise but are often seen to not count under conventional ideas of exercise. It also helps people move away from measuring the value of exercise by number of calories burnt. Had fun doing that thing you do to move about? Job done!

Another reason I like the idea of pleasurable movement of body is because it is the least ableist model of exercise I have come across. Exercise will always have ableism running through it, because there will always be people who aren’t able to exercise. And isn’t it funny that my word processor doesn’t recognise the words ableist and ableism? But the HAES model of exercise encourages people to work within their limits instead of challenging them.

For me poi is the perfect pleasurable way to move my body. It allows me to explore the way my body can move, and has already surprised me. I can move my body in ways I never would have thought possible. It is allowing me to use muscles and tendons that are under- or un-used in the rest of my life. It is a beautiful art and a way for me to express myself physically. It is a challenge, but I have found that I can progress quickly enough that it never becomes a chore. I am always striving for the next move, the next challenge. I am looking far ahead and thinking “I wish I could do that”.

Because of poi I am going to bed at night and I am tired, and as a result I am sleeping much better. Because of poi I am filled with a passion and commitment for something physical for the first time in nearly four years. Because of poi I am finding joy in movement again, and that has resulted in my finding joy in other things as well.

Last night I took my poi with me to St John, and spent the evening teaching some simple moves to my badgers. At the beginning of the evening they asked me what the point of poi was. I told them of the history, of the physical benefits and that most importantly of all it was fun. They didn’t believe me that it was exercise. We spent two hours playing with poi; two hours in which some of the Badgers showed a greater ability than I did. And I know that at least two of them will be taking it up at home. At the end of the night, when we were all tired out, I asked them if they believed me now if it was good exercise. They said yes.

Poi is not for everyone. I know that. But if you are reading this and you are a highly creative, expressive person who is looking for a new skill, a new way of moving or a new exercise, I urge you to give poi a try. Check out playpoi.com and see if you can find the magic; see if you can catch the bug like I did. Because if poi is for you, then it might just change your life.