Letter to a Friend

I'm sorry.

I feel the need to apologise for so many things right now. Things have been hard lately, not just for me but for you as well. You have your own problems to deal with, and I shouldn't be dumping my own on you, nor should I be taking my anger and frustrations out on you. I don't like us arguing and I don't like the feeling that everything is not quite right between us.

You are my rock and my anchor, and right now I'm turning to you in desperation without thinking that you might need me too. I want to be there for you too, but I don't know how much I can help you because everything is so messed up in my own head. I don't feel like myself anymore; I don't feel like the confident young woman I have become, I feel like a scared little child who is running out of people to turn to.

But I am going to be better. I am going to be a better person, and I am going to be there for you when you need me.

I am not going to let the past ruin the present and dictate my future. Just because things went bad before doesn't mean they will again. I have to trust you completely, which I will admit I haven't been able to do of late.

I am going to trust you again.

I am going to be stronger than my issues; I won't let them beat me. As you and others keep telling me, most of them are unfounded anyway. But some of my issues have been there for a long time, I can't promise I will let go of them straight away. But I can promise that I will try.

I am going to be the person you need me to be. I can't live my life thinking only about myself, which is what I have been doing lately. You have your problems and issues too, and while I have tried my best to deal with them in the past I have been terribly lax of late. For that I am truly sorry.

Things have not been very good for me lately, not in any way really, you know this. But things will get better soon, I promise. When I'm free to be myself again, when I don't have the shadow of the past dragging up every single one of my issues and insecurities, when my issues aren't making me the most selfish person on the planet, when I have my own head sorted out, maybe then things will change.

Perhaps then I can be the friend you need me to be; the friend you deserve.

Letter to an Old Friend; an old Flame

I wish you could see me now; see the person I have become without you, because of you. Here I am in my element, wearing my personality on my sleeve; but not my heart. Not my heart. I cannot wear my heart on my sleeve where it belongs with my personality because you never quite gave me it back when you broke it. You left. You left me alone to slowly mend the pieces of my broken heart; to collect them from where you scattered them to the four winds.

I think that you would disapprove of me if you knew me now; there are so many things I have done and will continue to do that I know you would not like. But I do not do them out of spite; that is not in my nature and I never hated you enough to spite you. I tried to hate you, but I could never bring myself to do it. No, I simply do these things because it is me. I am simply wearing my personality on my sleeve; or in my hair. I never quite realised how much I could not be myself around you. I know now.

You told me you loved me; I told you the same. Many times I wondered if you really meant it. Some days I wonder if you ever really knew the meaning of the word. I know I did. In the end, loving you meant that I had to let you walk out of my life and break my heart without rhyme nor reason nor prior warning. Because I could never have forced you to stay if it was no longer right for you. Yes, despite everything, I loved you with my whole heart, and a small part of me still does. Some part of me always will.

For me, this is closure. I have cried over you, and for you, more times than I care to count. I will shed no more tears for you. My heart has belonged to you long enough, and now it is time to move on. Though you broke it, it is now mended and ripe for giving to someone else; finally I am free. I am ready to be everything I was before, and I will fall in love again. I can and I will.

All I am waiting for now is another knight in shining armour to come set my heart and soul on fire. I will wear my heart on my sleeve for him, and he will teach me how to love again.