An Introduction

I have always had problems with my weight. My whole life I have been bullied and teased and ridiculed for being fat. Even at the most active points in my life I have struggled to shed the pounds. At times my issues with my weight have been crippling to my social life, and to my mental health.

I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I know I am a woman who is fat. I weigh approximately 16 stone, am a UK dress size 22 and have a BMI of greater than 30. To look at myself I know I am fat, and if I were to ask a medical opinion I would be told I am obese.

The aim of this blog will be to try to come to terms with who and what I am, to work out the best methods for getting down to my ideal weight, and to share any experiences I have getting there. I want to learn to love myself, I want to find the best way of classifying and quantifying my body, and I want to find the best way of getting myself healthier (not necessarily thinner). Following advice from this post over at Big Fat Deal I should be posting some fiction dealing with the issues of extreme body types (thin as well as fat). There is every likelihood that this will be a long haul trip, but with a bit of luck it wont be absolute hell getting to my destination.

You're all welcome to join me for the ride.

Farewell 2009, Hullo Future

2009 was a bit of an odd year. A very busy and stressful year, and part of me is glad it’s over.

This year saw me enter my twenties, reach the halfway point in my degree (with a 2:1 so far), work through some quite serious family injuries. It saw me break up with my boyfriend, get back together with my boyfriend, get confused about my ex-ex and a few other boys. It saw me finally start to accept and define my sexuality, have it insulted by friends, have it accepted by my mother but not by my gran. This year I’ve had to work through a very good friend of mine being diagnosed with cancer, and helping him deal with his treatment while feeling utterly helpless. I ended up in counselling for five weeks to help me deal with issues triggered by my friends illness, and came out of it not knowing if it had done anything. I’ve toyed with the idea of being bipolar or depressed, but never done anything about it. I’ve gotten frustrated about my weight, decided to do something about it, tried, failed and repeated the loop several times. I’ve resolved to start karate again but not managed to. I’ve set up my own business, in addition to my degree, and started designing t shirts.

I’ve cooked weird food, experimented with clothes, laughed, cried and shouted. I’ve listened to good music, and some crap music. Same with books (only reading, not listening) I’ve found I prefer older tv series to what’s on air right now. I've dealt with gaming addiction and the inevitable withdrawal symptoms. I've been to the theatre, seen Eddie Izzard, been to the cinema more times than most of the rest of my life. I've gotten drunk, had parties and been hungover. I've made my own cider, raised money for charity and gotten re elected for a second year as Vice President of Sci Fi society. I've made friends, lost friends and kept in touch with the people i thought i'd lose.

So now it’s 2010, a new year, a new decade, and with it new opportunities. 2009 was a weird year for me; I hope some of the things happen again, but wouldn’t wish for many things to happen ever again. I hope that 2010 brings with it lots of new opportunities. And flying cars. I want my flying car dammit!

T shirts

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Meme (again)

1. Besides your lips, where is the favourite spot to get kissed? Can’t decide between neck and hand

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning? Tired but quite happy.

3. Who was the last person / people you took a photo with? Er, whoever was at Vish’s party

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled? Not really. Someone used to spoil me but not anymore.

5. Will you ever donate blood? I’ve always wanted to so yes. When a combination of Glandular Fever and wanting tattoos doesn’t stop me

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? Yes. Have a couple right now.

7. Do you want someone to be dead? I have no idea why anyone would wish that on someone else.

8. What does your last text message say? Yup, my cable was there, got it and am at bus stop now.

9. What are you thinking right now? Many many things that have swirled around my head for days.

1o. Do you want someone to be with you right now? Yes

11. What was the time you went to bed last night? Sometime between half 1 and 2am

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now? James, who got it from xkcd

13. Is someone on your mind right now? Yes, the person who is always on my mind.

14. Who was the last person who text you? Sam

Ten things to ten people: you should know who you are

Ten things to ten people:

1) You remind me of a love song. Every single one. The ones about happiness and butterflies and forever and also the ones about broken hearts. You are the light in my life, and I’m sorry it’s taken this for me to realise it. Things won’t ever be perfect, it’s beyond human nature to make it so, but we can have a damned good try at getting as close as possible. I have started to heal, started to realise I need to be complete on my own. Now I’m just waiting for you. Don’t take too long to catch me up.

2) You’ve been a good friend. I thought I’d lost you for a bit, but I’ve got back the friend I knew and loved. And you’ve become a wonderful sounding board for me. I know I can talk to you and you won’t judge me. You’ve become a true friend and confidante, and I hope that this can continue, even after we have both sorted out our issues.

3) We nearly lost our friendship. I’d like to blame it on you but in truth it was also my fault for being too cowardly to confront you. You did something I don’t approve of, you know what that was. Yes, I am disappointed you did what you did, but at the end of the day it’s your life; it’s none of my damn business and you should know by now I’m not in the habit of judging friends. I was more hurt you felt you couldn’t tell me. We nearly lost everything and I want to get it back. Talk to me. I’m not an ogre, and I will never judge you.

4) You’re still proud of me. You’re one of the few people I’ve ever felt good enough for. We stopped talking about what really matters for far too long but we’ve started to get that back. I’m hoping that our relationship can continue to go from strength to strength.

5) You’re another good friend. I’m starting to notice just how many of those I seem to have. Things are hard for you too at the moment, and yet you still take time out of your life to be there for me. I don’t know what I would do without you at the moment. Talking to you has helped me realise so many things. I only hope that at some point I can return the favour.

6) If someone had told me three years ago that you would have become on of my most enduring friends I don’t think I would have believed them. On the surface we have little in common, but often oddballs will get on regardless. I love that we can always talk, no matter what the subject, and I love that you come to me for advice. Makes me feel useful.

7) Sometimes I think you’re still the fifteen year old I once knew, but then I remember that doesn’t matter. You’re my friend. You stay in touch, and you’re someone I can rely on when I need to. You’ll come to full maturity in your own time. Growing up is scary, and I did it far too fast. Maybe you have the right idea.

8) I still haven’t managed to fully escape your shadow. I so desperately want to, but I don’t know how to go about that without some answers. All I want to know is why, if you can even remember. I want to know I was more to you than that. I want closure on that part of my life, so that I can truly move on and be happy. Is that really too much to ask?

9) I’ve never felt good enough for you, and if I was honest I think you’ve contributed at least in part to my lack of self worth. It’s none of your business the person I have become or the person I choose to be. You have no right to make me feel like a child again, you have no right bring me down, or stop me reaching my full potential. You are not my mother, and I think you should remember that.

10) You are stronger than you think you are. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, even if the wrong people don’t realise it. You are flawed, but no more so than the rest of humanity. You need to learn to truly love the good things about yourself, change the things you don’t like and learn to embrace everything else. You are strong, you know you are. You have accomplished so much already, so why is this bringing you down? You have good friends, trust them, lean on them when you need to; they will not think less of you or think you a burden. You are an amazing, wonderful person. Other people have already begun to appreciate that, it’s time you did too. You can’t hide behind your childhood fears any more. I won’t let you.

10 ways to deal with exam stress

Check out my recently published content on AC:

10 Ways to Deal with Exam Stress

Fluff

So, hey. Apparently I only remember I have a LiveJournal when they email me to tell me stuff o.O

Long time no post, but that's due to busy busy busy and stuff going on. Things are not so good at the moment with life, but I'm not going to whinge about it here like I normally do because then I'll sound like the depressed 14 year old goth/emo that I haven't been for APPROXIMATELY SIX YEARS!!!

So, stuff bad. But other people have it worse than me. With a bit of luck I'll be fine soon. In the meantime I'll just rant at my wall.