I am a writer. It's not a career, it's a compulsion. I have to write, otherwise I lose track of my thoughts and they're lost forever. My ideas are like grains of sand slipping through my fingers unless I catch them, writing them down to fix them in reality.
My life is littered with thoughts scribbled onto scraps of paper.
Occasionally the fractured pieces come together as a coherent whole and let me tell a story or share a philosophy. But sometimes the ideas remain as they are; fractured pieces of a whole I cannot yet see.
Perhaps one day, when all my thought are scribbled on to scraps of paper. Perhaps then I can stop writing.
Until then though, it is something I have to do.
Saturday, 12 April 2008
Dreams
There go my childhood dreams. Floating away like dust in the wind. Twisted silhouettes disappearing over time, replaced by new ones. Adult dreams, now that I really know what will make me happy. Forget being an astronaut; I've learned to cultivate more realistic dreams. Goals that are attainable, so close that I can reach out and touch them.
I'm older now, and hopefully wiser. I know that there's no such thing as a happily ever after; nothing is as easy as that. Happiness has to be worked at. You don't find your Handsome Prince and everything falls into place, misery erased from your life. It's not easy being a Princess and more often than not Prince Charming will be the source of your unhappiness. That's why you have to work at it, work together and above all, talk to each other.
Yes, I've abandoned my childish dreams, but I've found something better; a reality that will make me truly happy if I work at it.
I'm older now, and hopefully wiser. I know that there's no such thing as a happily ever after; nothing is as easy as that. Happiness has to be worked at. You don't find your Handsome Prince and everything falls into place, misery erased from your life. It's not easy being a Princess and more often than not Prince Charming will be the source of your unhappiness. That's why you have to work at it, work together and above all, talk to each other.
Yes, I've abandoned my childish dreams, but I've found something better; a reality that will make me truly happy if I work at it.
Friday, 11 April 2008
Meme time; but this one's really nice
Found this searching the metamorfic_moon f lists. From mysterykar's journal.
TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now, don't name the person:
1) Right now I miss you but I will see you soon. I can’t believe how quickly you;v e become such an important part of my life; really we’ve had so little time but it’s always felt like forever. With you I am whole and I am strong. I want you to know that I’m grateful for you, even if I don’t show it. You’re everything I ever wanted, and I don’t want to let go.
2) Thankyou for always being there. For always telling me I could be whatever I wanted if I just tried hard enough. You have given me the courage to follow my dreams, and one day I promise I will make you proud.
3) You are an enigma, my friend. Hard to grab hold of, like sand running through my fingers, but once I’ve caught you you’re a rock for me. You’ve been there for me through some tough times, and for that I lvoe you. It doesn’t matter how long we go without speaking, when we’re together it’s like we’ve never been apart. You don’t know how grateful I am for a friendship like that.
4) I don’t think you’ll ever know how much you hurt me. Or maybe you already know, by how much you hurt yourself. I just want you to know that there’s no hard feelings. I learned a lot from our time together, and now I hav ehealed I am stronger. I wish you the best of luck in life.
5) We’ve been friends forever. Never really best friends, but friends nonetheless. It’s hard to imagine life without you, and although we have completely separate lives now, I hope you will continue to be a part of mine. No matter how long its been. Don’t be a stranger.
6) You and I have never really had that much in common; we were thrown together a bit, but that’s never reallly mattered. But we can talk to each other with complete honesty, which is a rarity in this secretive world. You make me laugh when I need to and listen when I’m down. No matter how things look, you have always been a good friend to me.
7) We’ll be back soon hunnii. And you really don’t have to tell me EVERYTHING you know.
8) I really have lead you thoroughly astray haven’t I? And now you’re living in tomorrow, misbehaving on your own. Come home soon. I miss you.
9) You’re a muppet, but you have your moments. Moments for which I am very grateful, because otherwise I would hate you.
10) You’ve let me down. You’ve been selfish and taken me for a ride. You’ve not been the best friend you could have been. But I’ll still be there when you need me, when you come crawling back, because that’s what friends do. After all this time I’m not going to hold something as trivial as you being an idiot agasint you.
NINE things about yourself:
1) I don’t really like the way I look, but I’ve learned to accept it. And modify it.
2) I just don’t understand vegetarians. No bacon sandwiches? Ever?!?
3) I have based my life philosophy on a musical. Sounds crazy but it works.
4) I don’t like eggs.
5) My Mum always said I was six going on thirty. Now I’m nineteen going on three.
6) I’m perfectly comfortable in my own space.
7) I have some deep seated insecurity issues that I don’t like people to know about, but I’m working on them.
8) I used to have a crippling fear of the future. The march of time used to absolutely terrify me. That’s why I can only think about the present, and live from day to day.
9) I like doing things that scare me just becasue they scare me. It reminds me I’m alive.
EIGHT ways to win my heart:
1) Be honest and truthful.
2) Accept me exactly the way I am, and never try to change me.
3) Be a kind, generous person.
4) Make me laugh. I love to laugh.
5) Don’t be afraid to talk about feelings. Don’t be afaid to talk full stop.
6) Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourslef. I’m not.
7) Talk to me. As an actual person. And never treat me as a posession.
8) Love me. With everything you’ve got.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1) My boyfriend.
2) Plot ideas and ways to edit my novel.
3) Random Harry Potter thoughts.
4) Food (so sue me)
5) Worries about money, the future etc.
6) How I can be a better person.
7) What can I learn from what just happened?
SIX things you wish you never did:
1) Begged to be taken back
2) Intentionally be mean to someone because they hurt me
3) Lied
4) Lose touch with good friends. There’s no excuse for it in this day and age.
5) Not say exactly how I felt on a couple of occasions
6) Broke my ankle.
FIVE turn offs:
1) Arrogence
2) Narcissism
3) Being a ‘pretty boy’
4) Showing no concern for the feelings of others
5) Being shallow.
FOUR turn ons:
1) A genuinely caring person.
2) A sense of humour
3) Intelligence (or at least the ability to hold your own in a conversation)
4) Honesty
THREE words that describe your life:
1) Busy
2) Varied
3) Content
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1) Visit New Zealand
2) Become a published author
ONE confession:
1) The confident, bubbly, outgoing person I try to be is a persona that I hard worked for. Inside I am a horribly insecure person with zero self esteem.
TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now, don't name the person:
1) Right now I miss you but I will see you soon. I can’t believe how quickly you;v e become such an important part of my life; really we’ve had so little time but it’s always felt like forever. With you I am whole and I am strong. I want you to know that I’m grateful for you, even if I don’t show it. You’re everything I ever wanted, and I don’t want to let go.
2) Thankyou for always being there. For always telling me I could be whatever I wanted if I just tried hard enough. You have given me the courage to follow my dreams, and one day I promise I will make you proud.
3) You are an enigma, my friend. Hard to grab hold of, like sand running through my fingers, but once I’ve caught you you’re a rock for me. You’ve been there for me through some tough times, and for that I lvoe you. It doesn’t matter how long we go without speaking, when we’re together it’s like we’ve never been apart. You don’t know how grateful I am for a friendship like that.
4) I don’t think you’ll ever know how much you hurt me. Or maybe you already know, by how much you hurt yourself. I just want you to know that there’s no hard feelings. I learned a lot from our time together, and now I hav ehealed I am stronger. I wish you the best of luck in life.
5) We’ve been friends forever. Never really best friends, but friends nonetheless. It’s hard to imagine life without you, and although we have completely separate lives now, I hope you will continue to be a part of mine. No matter how long its been. Don’t be a stranger.
6) You and I have never really had that much in common; we were thrown together a bit, but that’s never reallly mattered. But we can talk to each other with complete honesty, which is a rarity in this secretive world. You make me laugh when I need to and listen when I’m down. No matter how things look, you have always been a good friend to me.
7) We’ll be back soon hunnii. And you really don’t have to tell me EVERYTHING you know.
8) I really have lead you thoroughly astray haven’t I? And now you’re living in tomorrow, misbehaving on your own. Come home soon. I miss you.
9) You’re a muppet, but you have your moments. Moments for which I am very grateful, because otherwise I would hate you.
10) You’ve let me down. You’ve been selfish and taken me for a ride. You’ve not been the best friend you could have been. But I’ll still be there when you need me, when you come crawling back, because that’s what friends do. After all this time I’m not going to hold something as trivial as you being an idiot agasint you.
NINE things about yourself:
1) I don’t really like the way I look, but I’ve learned to accept it. And modify it.
2) I just don’t understand vegetarians. No bacon sandwiches? Ever?!?
3) I have based my life philosophy on a musical. Sounds crazy but it works.
4) I don’t like eggs.
5) My Mum always said I was six going on thirty. Now I’m nineteen going on three.
6) I’m perfectly comfortable in my own space.
7) I have some deep seated insecurity issues that I don’t like people to know about, but I’m working on them.
8) I used to have a crippling fear of the future. The march of time used to absolutely terrify me. That’s why I can only think about the present, and live from day to day.
9) I like doing things that scare me just becasue they scare me. It reminds me I’m alive.
EIGHT ways to win my heart:
1) Be honest and truthful.
2) Accept me exactly the way I am, and never try to change me.
3) Be a kind, generous person.
4) Make me laugh. I love to laugh.
5) Don’t be afraid to talk about feelings. Don’t be afaid to talk full stop.
6) Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourslef. I’m not.
7) Talk to me. As an actual person. And never treat me as a posession.
8) Love me. With everything you’ve got.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1) My boyfriend.
2) Plot ideas and ways to edit my novel.
3) Random Harry Potter thoughts.
4) Food (so sue me)
5) Worries about money, the future etc.
6) How I can be a better person.
7) What can I learn from what just happened?
SIX things you wish you never did:
1) Begged to be taken back
2) Intentionally be mean to someone because they hurt me
3) Lied
4) Lose touch with good friends. There’s no excuse for it in this day and age.
5) Not say exactly how I felt on a couple of occasions
6) Broke my ankle.
FIVE turn offs:
1) Arrogence
2) Narcissism
3) Being a ‘pretty boy’
4) Showing no concern for the feelings of others
5) Being shallow.
FOUR turn ons:
1) A genuinely caring person.
2) A sense of humour
3) Intelligence (or at least the ability to hold your own in a conversation)
4) Honesty
THREE words that describe your life:
1) Busy
2) Varied
3) Content
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1) Visit New Zealand
2) Become a published author
ONE confession:
1) The confident, bubbly, outgoing person I try to be is a persona that I hard worked for. Inside I am a horribly insecure person with zero self esteem.
Tuesday, 1 April 2008
The Great Mobile Phone Saga
I hate mobile phones. And I hate Vodafone. Things are supposed to be very simple for people with contract phones and insurance; when your phone breaks they take it away and fix it. Apparently this is not the case. Vodafone have managed to mess me about, completely piss me off and leave me without my phone after a MONTH without it.
My phone died on Thursday; that is Thursday 29th FEBRUARY. I just plugged it in to charge it up that night and… nothing happened. Over the next three days it slowly lost battery with me completely unable to do anything about it. By the Saturday I knew I needed to do something about it, as I had just applies for a new job and my mobile is basically the only way anyone can contact me.
By this point we’d decided it was probably the battery, as the battery is only guaranteed for six months even though the phone is guaranteed for two years. Guess how long I’ve had it?
The simple answer would have been to take it into a Vodafone shop and get it fixed, but I can’t cos contract is in my mother’s name. And in any case, I needed a usable phone immediately, not in a week. So I’m running around Beeston trying every phone shop to see if they have a battery for my phone. The answer all round was that they don’t keep them in stock, but they could order one in, which would take about a week. Which was absolutely great because I needed it that day. The nice bloke in the Orange shop said that the Carphone warehouse might have one, but kindly neglected to tell myself (and my poor boyfriend, who’d been bullied into accompanying me) where the Carphone warehouse was. We finally got directions from a lovely woman in the café we stopped off at for a cuppa because I was starting to get annoyed by this point.
Turns out that the Carphone warehouse was at leat a miles walk away. Definitely walkable distance if you’re not a cripple with a bad ankle and you’ve already been walking around for at least two hours. We got to the Carphone warehouse and waited patiently while the bloke sorted out some other person who didn’t seem to quite understand the process of buying a new mobile phone. When we finally managed to speak to someone it turned out that the DID indeed have batteries in stock. Hallelujah, problem solved! Except that they had a battery for my make of phone, but not my model. Apparently there is no such thing as a standard mobile phone battery anymore, despite the fact that is says STANDARD FUCKING BATTERY ON THE BATTERY FOR MY MOBILE PHONE.
At this point I was getting desperate. Fortunately Beeston has a cash converters so I nipped in there to buy a cheap, second hand mobile phone and a pay as you go sim card. At this point I was starting to feel relieved and went to let my potential employers know my new number.
I managed to register the sim alright, but nearly 24 hours later I still couldn’t text from it, as I’d not had my confirmation text. Getting ratty again, I turned the phone off and back on, and lo and behold, there was my text! Next problem; putting credit on the phone. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t register my e top up card, and I was apparently being charged for a call that was supposed to be free, which ate up the £1 credit I got simply for signing up. In the end I gave up and biked to Sainsbury’s for a voucher. Credit went on no problem and hey presto, a usable phone at last!
At this point I thought everything would be fine. I’d be home for Easter in less than two weeks and we could take it in to the Vodafone shop to get it fixed. No problems right? Little did I know my problems were only just beginning.
We took my phone into the Vodafone shop at home on St Patrick’s Day. Handed it over to the assistant, explaining what had happened. They booked it in and said they’d send it off for repair under the warranty. They said that it should be back on Thursday (20th March) but it might take a week. I’d get a text when it was back in store (not that they offered me a courtesy phone, I had to rely on putting my sim card into my mum’s phone every so often cos my emergency replacement was on orange and wasn’t unlocked). I went on my way and thought everything was hunky dory.
Thursday came and went. I thought that was okay, cos they’d said it MIGHT take a week. Monday came and went; they’d had it a week and still nothing. But we gave them the benefit of the doubt as it was the bank holiday. By this time by stop gap phone was on its last legs (that’s cash converters for you) and I was forced to dig up one of my old phones that was at least three years old just so I’d have a workable phone. By the time Friday rolled round and I’d still heard nothing, I was well and truly pissed off at Vodafone. Saturday (March 29th) we went back to the shop to see why they’d needed nearly a fortnight to sort out what I’d assumed was a simple enough problem.
Turns out that the repair centre had decided it was ‘customer damage’ and therefore not covered under warranty and they needed my permission to actually repair it. Except they’d not let me know that that was the case so I couldn’t give permission, and neither had they let the shop know. Cue a ginormous hissy fit that in the least persuades the shop manager to waiver the £40 repair charge that we should pay cos they decided the damage was my fault. So the shop manager sent off the email telling the repair centre to repair the phone and said it might be another week.
Today I got the text saying that the shop had received my phone back. Hooray, end of saga. Not by the look on the manager’s face when we walked into the shop. The repair centre had indeed sent my phone back; UNREPAIRED. Apparently they can’t read emails that say ‘PLEASE REPAIR’! The manager was obviously wary of another hissy fit as I now have £20 credit on my bill as well as a courtesy phone (finally, a phone that actually works.)
But yet again I have to wait a week to see if they are actually gonna fix my damned phone. Its not difficult, and its their bloody job. Suffice to say I now have the number for the Vodafone store so the next time I get a text saying my phone’s ready I can ring up and check it has actually been repaired. I am NOT happy with the service I have gotten from Vodafone (and d’you know what, I thin they could tell) but at least in the meantime I have a working phone.
So, in short, I am not happy with my phone for dying in the first place (although APPARENTLY it was my sodding fault anyway) and I am very nearly on the verge of hating Vodafone and every single person employed by them.
The only solution I see to this is to go out and get good and drunk. Thank goodness I’m off out tonight for a girly night with shwenny and our mothers.
My phone died on Thursday; that is Thursday 29th FEBRUARY. I just plugged it in to charge it up that night and… nothing happened. Over the next three days it slowly lost battery with me completely unable to do anything about it. By the Saturday I knew I needed to do something about it, as I had just applies for a new job and my mobile is basically the only way anyone can contact me.
By this point we’d decided it was probably the battery, as the battery is only guaranteed for six months even though the phone is guaranteed for two years. Guess how long I’ve had it?
The simple answer would have been to take it into a Vodafone shop and get it fixed, but I can’t cos contract is in my mother’s name. And in any case, I needed a usable phone immediately, not in a week. So I’m running around Beeston trying every phone shop to see if they have a battery for my phone. The answer all round was that they don’t keep them in stock, but they could order one in, which would take about a week. Which was absolutely great because I needed it that day. The nice bloke in the Orange shop said that the Carphone warehouse might have one, but kindly neglected to tell myself (and my poor boyfriend, who’d been bullied into accompanying me) where the Carphone warehouse was. We finally got directions from a lovely woman in the café we stopped off at for a cuppa because I was starting to get annoyed by this point.
Turns out that the Carphone warehouse was at leat a miles walk away. Definitely walkable distance if you’re not a cripple with a bad ankle and you’ve already been walking around for at least two hours. We got to the Carphone warehouse and waited patiently while the bloke sorted out some other person who didn’t seem to quite understand the process of buying a new mobile phone. When we finally managed to speak to someone it turned out that the DID indeed have batteries in stock. Hallelujah, problem solved! Except that they had a battery for my make of phone, but not my model. Apparently there is no such thing as a standard mobile phone battery anymore, despite the fact that is says STANDARD FUCKING BATTERY ON THE BATTERY FOR MY MOBILE PHONE.
At this point I was getting desperate. Fortunately Beeston has a cash converters so I nipped in there to buy a cheap, second hand mobile phone and a pay as you go sim card. At this point I was starting to feel relieved and went to let my potential employers know my new number.
I managed to register the sim alright, but nearly 24 hours later I still couldn’t text from it, as I’d not had my confirmation text. Getting ratty again, I turned the phone off and back on, and lo and behold, there was my text! Next problem; putting credit on the phone. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t register my e top up card, and I was apparently being charged for a call that was supposed to be free, which ate up the £1 credit I got simply for signing up. In the end I gave up and biked to Sainsbury’s for a voucher. Credit went on no problem and hey presto, a usable phone at last!
At this point I thought everything would be fine. I’d be home for Easter in less than two weeks and we could take it in to the Vodafone shop to get it fixed. No problems right? Little did I know my problems were only just beginning.
We took my phone into the Vodafone shop at home on St Patrick’s Day. Handed it over to the assistant, explaining what had happened. They booked it in and said they’d send it off for repair under the warranty. They said that it should be back on Thursday (20th March) but it might take a week. I’d get a text when it was back in store (not that they offered me a courtesy phone, I had to rely on putting my sim card into my mum’s phone every so often cos my emergency replacement was on orange and wasn’t unlocked). I went on my way and thought everything was hunky dory.
Thursday came and went. I thought that was okay, cos they’d said it MIGHT take a week. Monday came and went; they’d had it a week and still nothing. But we gave them the benefit of the doubt as it was the bank holiday. By this time by stop gap phone was on its last legs (that’s cash converters for you) and I was forced to dig up one of my old phones that was at least three years old just so I’d have a workable phone. By the time Friday rolled round and I’d still heard nothing, I was well and truly pissed off at Vodafone. Saturday (March 29th) we went back to the shop to see why they’d needed nearly a fortnight to sort out what I’d assumed was a simple enough problem.
Turns out that the repair centre had decided it was ‘customer damage’ and therefore not covered under warranty and they needed my permission to actually repair it. Except they’d not let me know that that was the case so I couldn’t give permission, and neither had they let the shop know. Cue a ginormous hissy fit that in the least persuades the shop manager to waiver the £40 repair charge that we should pay cos they decided the damage was my fault. So the shop manager sent off the email telling the repair centre to repair the phone and said it might be another week.
Today I got the text saying that the shop had received my phone back. Hooray, end of saga. Not by the look on the manager’s face when we walked into the shop. The repair centre had indeed sent my phone back; UNREPAIRED. Apparently they can’t read emails that say ‘PLEASE REPAIR’! The manager was obviously wary of another hissy fit as I now have £20 credit on my bill as well as a courtesy phone (finally, a phone that actually works.)
But yet again I have to wait a week to see if they are actually gonna fix my damned phone. Its not difficult, and its their bloody job. Suffice to say I now have the number for the Vodafone store so the next time I get a text saying my phone’s ready I can ring up and check it has actually been repaired. I am NOT happy with the service I have gotten from Vodafone (and d’you know what, I thin they could tell) but at least in the meantime I have a working phone.
So, in short, I am not happy with my phone for dying in the first place (although APPARENTLY it was my sodding fault anyway) and I am very nearly on the verge of hating Vodafone and every single person employed by them.
The only solution I see to this is to go out and get good and drunk. Thank goodness I’m off out tonight for a girly night with shwenny and our mothers.
Sunday, 16 March 2008
The Meaning of Life
What is the meaning of life? Philosophers have pondered this question for centuries. Religions have attempted to help us answer the questions, and Douglas Adams succeeded (the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything being of course 42). But none of the answers given seem to agree with each other, and I think I know why.
There is no universal meaning of life.
Think about it, if there WAS an objective, universal meaning to life, wouldn’t we have found it by now? And wouldn’t it be boring if the life of every single person on this planet meant exactly the same thing?
Infer what you will from this; that this is proof that there is no God or whatever, but I think I know why there isn’t a true meaning to Life Itself.
There is no objective, absolute, universal meaning to Life because it is down to each individual person to give their own life as much meaning as possible. It is up to YOU to find the meaning in YOUR life. Fill your life with as many amazing experiences as you possibly can; do something wonderful for someone else; help out a person in need; do something that absolutely terrifies you, just to prove you’re alive; love fiercely with your whole heart every single time; learn to forgive, no matter what wrong has been done to you; live each day as if it’s your last. Make the most out of every single moment you have been given so that you can look back over what you have done and know that even though you cannot know THE meaning of Life, you do know the meaning in YOUR life.
I believe that if a person can do all this, then it won’t matter that the philosophers and thinkers can’t find the true meaning of life, because you will have given your own life more meaning than they ever could. Do you really want to wait around for someone else to tell you the meaning of your own life? I know I don’t, which is why I will do my best to do every single one of the things I have mentioned.
I will take every opportunity that comes my way, and never ever turn down an experience I’ve never had before; I will do wonderful things for other people, and I will help them out when they need me; I will still do things even though they scare the hell out of me; I will love with my whole heart, no matter how many times it gets broken and I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me. I will live each day as if its my last, and make every moment count. I will let the people I love give meaning to my life. So that I WILL be able to look back over my life and think ‘I did the best I could with what I’ve got; I made the most out of what I was given.’
I don’t care about ‘the meaning of life’ because I already know the meaning in mine.
And because I already know it; 42, of course.
There is no universal meaning of life.
Think about it, if there WAS an objective, universal meaning to life, wouldn’t we have found it by now? And wouldn’t it be boring if the life of every single person on this planet meant exactly the same thing?
Infer what you will from this; that this is proof that there is no God or whatever, but I think I know why there isn’t a true meaning to Life Itself.
There is no objective, absolute, universal meaning to Life because it is down to each individual person to give their own life as much meaning as possible. It is up to YOU to find the meaning in YOUR life. Fill your life with as many amazing experiences as you possibly can; do something wonderful for someone else; help out a person in need; do something that absolutely terrifies you, just to prove you’re alive; love fiercely with your whole heart every single time; learn to forgive, no matter what wrong has been done to you; live each day as if it’s your last. Make the most out of every single moment you have been given so that you can look back over what you have done and know that even though you cannot know THE meaning of Life, you do know the meaning in YOUR life.
I believe that if a person can do all this, then it won’t matter that the philosophers and thinkers can’t find the true meaning of life, because you will have given your own life more meaning than they ever could. Do you really want to wait around for someone else to tell you the meaning of your own life? I know I don’t, which is why I will do my best to do every single one of the things I have mentioned.
I will take every opportunity that comes my way, and never ever turn down an experience I’ve never had before; I will do wonderful things for other people, and I will help them out when they need me; I will still do things even though they scare the hell out of me; I will love with my whole heart, no matter how many times it gets broken and I will learn to forgive those who have hurt me. I will live each day as if its my last, and make every moment count. I will let the people I love give meaning to my life. So that I WILL be able to look back over my life and think ‘I did the best I could with what I’ve got; I made the most out of what I was given.’
I don’t care about ‘the meaning of life’ because I already know the meaning in mine.
And because I already know it; 42, of course.
Thursday, 10 January 2008
Letter to an Old Friend; an old Flame
I wish you could see me now; see the person I have become without you, because of you. Here I am in my element, wearing my personality on my sleeve; but not my heart. Not my heart. I cannot wear my heart on my sleeve where it belongs with my personality because you never quite gave me it back when you broke it. You left. You left me alone to slowly mend the pieces of my broken heart; to collect them from where you scattered them to the four winds.
I think that you would disapprove of me if you knew me now; there are so many things I have done and will continue to do that I know you would not like. But I do not do them out of spite; that is not in my nature and I never hated you enough to spite you. I tried to hate you, but I could never bring myself to do it. No, I simply do these things because it is me. I am simply wearing my personality on my sleeve; or in my hair. I never quite realised how much I could not be myself around you. I know now.
You told me you loved me; I told you the same. Many times I wondered if you really meant it. Some days I wonder if you ever really knew the meaning of the word. I know I did. In the end, loving you meant that I had to let you walk out of my life and break my heart without rhyme nor reason nor prior warning. Because I could never have forced you to stay if it was no longer right for you. Yes, despite everything, I loved you with my whole heart, and a small part of me still does. Some part of me always will.
For me, this is closure. I have cried over you, and for you, more times than I care to count. I will shed no more tears for you. My heart has belonged to you long enough, and now it is time to move on. Though you broke it, it is now mended and ripe for giving to someone else; finally I am free. I am ready to be everything I was before, and I will fall in love again. I can and I will.
All I am waiting for now is another knight in shining armour to come set my heart and soul on fire. I will wear my heart on my sleeve for him, and he will teach me how to love again.
Friday, 4 January 2008
My first meme of 2008!
Haven't posted in a while so I thought i'd kick of 2008 with this meme nicked from a friend on facebook
SINCE 2007 STARTED: (All that time ago lol)
1. Have you had a gf/bf?: Brought in '07 with one, didn’t bring in '08 with him though
2. Have you had your birthday?: Yes, and its hurtling towards me again
3. Been to church?: Yeah for some rededication thing
4. Cried yet?: In 07, lots.
5.Had sex?: See aforementioned boyfriend comment
6 Had someone close to you pass away?: Yes. My favourite Great Aunt Passed away the week I started UNI and mum didn’t tell me
7 Pulled an all nighter?: Tried to lol
8 Drank starbucks?: NO, I prefer my coffee homemade and non corporation-like (ran away from me lol)
9 Gone shopping?: *blank, disbeleiving stare*
10. Gone to the movies?: Couple of times
11 Been to the beach? Yup
12 Bought something for over $200?: Bought my sports membership which was over £100
13 Met someone new?: Loads of fabulous people
14 Been out of your home state?: Several times
15. Gone snowboarding?: No, not that I wuold be adverse to going snowboarding
[[In The Past Month...]]
1. Kissed someone?: Yeah my best mate Shwenny at New Year
2. Slept in a friend's bed?: Shwenny again
3. Snuck someone over?: Nope
4. Snuck out of your own house?: Nope
5. Been in a bar?: Oh yes
6. Lied?: not that I know of
7. Gotten a car?: Driving is a touchy subject, so no
8. Gone over your cell phone bill?: Nah, cos my mum pays it now!
9. Been called a whore? Not in my hearing
10. Drove somewhere?: Got driven home for Xmas
11. Done something you regret?: I don’t believe in regret. Theorectically
[[Last's...]]
Things you bought lately?: Alcohol lol
Person you hugged?: Mum
Person to call you?: Some random personwho hung up on me
When was the last time you felt stupid? Crying on Mark at Spider’s
When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?: Mile? Walk? Run? No comprende
Who was the last person who saw you cry?: Mark
Who was the last person who made you cry?: Aforementioned Ex Boyfriend
Who was the last person you watched a movie with?: Watched Star Wars; New Hope with my bros the other day
Who was the last person you danced with?: Can’t rememebr. I dance all the time lol
Who did you last yell at?: Antbody I was in Spider’s with, its bloody loud lol
Who last told you they loved you?: Shwenny
Who makes you smile most?: Depends on what they’re doing as to who lol
What are you listening to right now?: Nightwish; Slaying the Dreamer
What did you do yesterday?: Revised Biochemistry, got a new tattoo, farted around for a bit, went to the scouty xmas dinner yum!
Hugs or kisses?: Both are great lol
SINCE 2007 STARTED: (All that time ago lol)
1. Have you had a gf/bf?: Brought in '07 with one, didn’t bring in '08 with him though
2. Have you had your birthday?: Yes, and its hurtling towards me again
3. Been to church?: Yeah for some rededication thing
4. Cried yet?: In 07, lots.
5.Had sex?: See aforementioned boyfriend comment
6 Had someone close to you pass away?: Yes. My favourite Great Aunt Passed away the week I started UNI and mum didn’t tell me
7 Pulled an all nighter?: Tried to lol
8 Drank starbucks?: NO, I prefer my coffee homemade and non corporation-like (ran away from me lol)
9 Gone shopping?: *blank, disbeleiving stare*
10. Gone to the movies?: Couple of times
11 Been to the beach? Yup
12 Bought something for over $200?: Bought my sports membership which was over £100
13 Met someone new?: Loads of fabulous people
14 Been out of your home state?: Several times
15. Gone snowboarding?: No, not that I wuold be adverse to going snowboarding
[[In The Past Month...]]
1. Kissed someone?: Yeah my best mate Shwenny at New Year
2. Slept in a friend's bed?: Shwenny again
3. Snuck someone over?: Nope
4. Snuck out of your own house?: Nope
5. Been in a bar?: Oh yes
6. Lied?: not that I know of
7. Gotten a car?: Driving is a touchy subject, so no
8. Gone over your cell phone bill?: Nah, cos my mum pays it now!
9. Been called a whore? Not in my hearing
10. Drove somewhere?: Got driven home for Xmas
11. Done something you regret?: I don’t believe in regret. Theorectically
[[Last's...]]
Things you bought lately?: Alcohol lol
Person you hugged?: Mum
Person to call you?: Some random personwho hung up on me
When was the last time you felt stupid? Crying on Mark at Spider’s
When was the last time you walked/ran over a mile?: Mile? Walk? Run? No comprende
Who was the last person who saw you cry?: Mark
Who was the last person who made you cry?: Aforementioned Ex Boyfriend
Who was the last person you watched a movie with?: Watched Star Wars; New Hope with my bros the other day
Who was the last person you danced with?: Can’t rememebr. I dance all the time lol
Who did you last yell at?: Antbody I was in Spider’s with, its bloody loud lol
Who last told you they loved you?: Shwenny
Who makes you smile most?: Depends on what they’re doing as to who lol
What are you listening to right now?: Nightwish; Slaying the Dreamer
What did you do yesterday?: Revised Biochemistry, got a new tattoo, farted around for a bit, went to the scouty xmas dinner yum!
Hugs or kisses?: Both are great lol
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